Sometimes you have to hear a story a few times to understand it. Sometimes after the 100th time you realize it’s your story too.
I admit in the beginning, the days after diagnosis, sometimes the days we struggle, I wondered “Why?”.
I’ve had other people ask me too, and doctors run tests, our history recounted and examined… genetics reviewed and blood drawn. I found some clear facts, some blurry guesses, and some who just took our money because they feed on my new autism mom ignorance. Nonetheless, I am glad I know the medical side like I do. I’ve read so many medical reports, journals and findings that I speak that language now. They taught me enough to step into biomedical interventions and make serious changes in my son without trepidation.
Those tests all seek to answer the same, wrong question, “How did this boy regress so dramatically? How did I lose him?” For years doctors did a weak job of satisfying my logic or my heart.
Medical answers don’t fill the hollowness that kept me up at night. For a long time I wondered alone in the dark of nearly every night, “who sinned?” Answering myself back, “it was me, wasn’t it? It’s my fault he is autistic?” I lived in guilt for a long time. I knew all my past was brought to bear on the weight of his innocent shoulders. That watching him step out of our world into spinning world of straw and spoons and screaming night terrors was my hell.
Years went by like this. Years. Long enough that I stopped wondering and inside I knew.
I knew it was my fault and I must fix it. My sin, my mountain, my responsibility to fix it.
Then one day I read John 9:2-3. Again. Some lessons come slow, especially when they are hard to accept. Guilt is an easier lie to tell. “It was not that this child, [or me] sinned, but that the works of God might be displayed in him.” Sometimes the word speaks to your soul. I needed healing as much as LittleOne.
Every night now as I watch him sleep, I know a new answer. He is so perfect. While I waiting to hear this answer whispered, I am sure I needed to do my share of the work to answer my greatest prayers. My mountain – my mustard seed of faith shall move it. Be moved autism.
I can’t wait to see the fulfillment of His works through my LittleOne.